Laying it out...

There are a few big priorities in my life these days. Here is the general order of importance in my mind:

1 - Family, friends and roommates
2 - Training and healthy living/eating
3 - Work
4 - Alone time for rest, relaxation and reflection
5 - Dating

Here is how I feel my weeks are filling up:

1 - Dating
2 - Training (and healthy living/eating - not really happening)
3 - Work
4 - Family, friends and roommates
5 - Alone time for rest, relaxation and reflection (what alone time?!?!?!)

There are a few things that have come out of this. For one, I am finding that I'm already tired of volume dating. I look at my friends that are so happy spending multiple days a week on dates with different men and I just don't get it. Why am I less than thrilled replying to match.com emails and going on dates? Why do I come home from a date and feel like it was just a big waste of time?

The answer is becoming clearer with each date. First, I'm just not ready. I thought that getting over "the ex" and pushing "the rebound" out of my mind meant that I could start dating. But it's not enough. At some point, you have to be at peace and love yourself before you can love someone else. I thought I had this nailed too but I'm still struggling. Struggling with body image and self confidence. I'm constantly putting myself down, and making comments about being "chubby". I'm 26 and have tried so many things to improve my self esteem. At some point you realize that losing weight alone will not fix your problems.

The other thing that is screaming "you're not ready" is that I'm much more interested in spending time with my friends and time training than I am dating. Don't get me wrong, there are so many nice things about being in a relationship. But honestly, I'm just not that interested these days. Tonight I actually said to my roommates "oh damn, I wish I could get out of my date tomorrow to have dinner at home with you guys". I'm also irritated when I waste calories eating out and drinking wine on bad dates. I know that may seem stupid, but the worse the date is, the more I drink! And this impacts everything... impacts how much I eat, what I eat, and the morning training. Oh, and none of the men understand the training! They just don't understand why I would like to get home at a certain time and why I like to get up and train early in the morning.

I really have to thank Jodi for giving me some perspective around all of this. For some strange reason, I was thinking that a few months *should* be enough time to get back on the dating train... when there really is no set timeline for this at all. One day, I'll be ready because I know I'm ready, not because a group of my friends thought it was time for me to get back on the wagon.

So I'm going on dating hiatus and refocusing my priorities a little. Here's the new plan:

1 - Family, friends and roommates
2 - Training and healthy living/eating
3 - Alone time for rest, relaxation and reflection
4 - Work

And I have done something that I have wanted to do for a long time... I booked an apt with a therapist. The girls have been very open about the benefits of seeing 20/20 therapists on their journeys. I figured, who would be better at helping me work through the body image and food issues that I have? I think this is the most I have opened up about this on my blog, and I have to admit that I'm feeling a little vulnerable. I'm lucky to have such supportive friends that won't judge me based on what I have said.

I'm really looking forward... forward to running the marathon, and refocusing some of the long training hours on myself and my friends. And of course, base building for the triathlon season to come...